I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
Less talking, more tequila
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Randomize
