i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
Randomize
