i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
I need to sanitize my soul.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
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