I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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