I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
