WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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