She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
We all have our weaknesses that drive us crazy. We happen to have one in common, 21 year olds. Your secrets safe. Touch his penis.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
Randomize
