wakey wakey hands off snakey
In America we eat man semen.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
