i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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