Will you blow on my dice?
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Randomize
