im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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