I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Randomize
