Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
i came on her dog
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
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