Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
Randomize
