I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
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