Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
Randomize
