it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Randomize
