I love black thongs
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
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