also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Randomize
