The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
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