just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
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