Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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