i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
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