The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
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