Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
