i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
My pussy is not your playground.
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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