is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Randomize
