Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
My vagina just recognized that song.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
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