I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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