What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
Randomize
