I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
