i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Randomize
