i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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