I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
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