he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
