Yo dont text me then not text me
so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Randomize
