I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
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