I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
