watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Randomize
