if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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