I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
Randomize
