I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Randomize
