so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
