I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
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