Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
