im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
