This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
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