Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
I'm both gender and math confused
Randomize
