Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
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