Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Randomize
